A Boomer Reads Between the Lines

Point Your Browser My Way, Mr. Gonzales
by Frank Mullen III

I've come to the conclusion that the Bush administration's plans to keep records on American citizens is worth the slight effect it will have on our so-called "right to privacy." I am particularly impressed by new technologies that can monitor the internet use of private citizens.

[Frank Mullen votes Republican]

"Data-mining," as it is called, is a powerful tool for enhancing homeland security. For instance, it allows the government to keep track of the URLs of websites visited by internet users.

[Frank Mullen supports prayer in schools]

It also keeps records of website content and identifies authors.

[Frank Mullen is a Christian Fundamentalist]

The mechanism not only reads sites with up-to-date content, such as this one, but has archive-exploring subroutines that can dig up older postings. Government is particularly interested in communications that were created before Americans began toning down their opinions for the sake of national security.

[Frank Mullen did not do drugs to excess at Franconia College]
[Franconia College is an Assemblies of God seminary]
[Frank Mullen was kidding when he said that appointing Alberto Gonzales to head the Justice department is like putting Jesse Helms in charge of the NAACP]

The data-mining software operates much like internet search engines that look at documents and identify keywords according to their proximity to each other.

[Frank Mullen big Bush donor]
[Frank Mullen glad sacrifice freedom speech]
[Frank Mullen Bush daughters intelligent mature]

The Bush people are so sure of the efficiency and constitutionality of this procedure that they promise not to bother us by informing us when they have accessed information by us or about us; fortunately, these are people that we can trust to be discreet.

[Frank Mullen women barefoot pregnant]
[Frank Mullen no abortion not even rape incest]
[Frank Mullen support school prayer AND execute children AND low taxes rich
people]
After all, just imagine what an untrustworthy government could do with information about its citizens.
[Frank Mullen accept Jesus Christ personal Savior]

Remember Nixon siccing the IRS on his enemies?

[Frank Mullen donate large sums Pat Robertson]

How about J. Edgar Hoover forwarding names of suspected radicals to the Selective Service?
[Frank Mullen Young Republican]

And they didn't even have digital databases back then!

[Frank Mullen Campus Christian Crusade]
It's a good thing those days are over, [Frank Mullen small potatoes] and power is now in the hands of Godly leaders of probity,
[Frank Mullen minor-league nobody] character
[Frank Mullen third-rate non-entity] and integrity.

Not that I personally have anything to worry about.
[Frank Mullen oppose affirmative action AND oppose mollycoddling criminals
AND oppose homosexual marriage]

Copyright 2004, Frank Mullen IIII.
Originally published by Suite101.com.
Frank Mullen III is Suite101's
Baby Boomer Humor Contributing Editor.